Rock Fucking Bottom

I had a lazy day today. In reality, most of my days are lazy, but I didn't even shower until 2:30 today despite having tons of things to accomplish. While getting ready to go out and do grocery shopping I came to a world-shattering, ego-destroying revelation: I have one pair of pants that fit, and those pants were wet and on the drying rack. I tried on every other pair of jeans in my closet and no fucking dice. I weighed myself: 165.8. This isn't even the heaviest I've ever been, but I got rid of all of my pants from back then.

So I cried, and started to panic while my dear fiance tried to help me wear the closest-to-fitting pair I had by rigging a key ring to keep the zipper up, which made me cry even more. I don't want to be like this. I certainly don't want him to see me like this. We both deserve better. And yet I don't feel like I can do anything about it. My initial reaction is always, "well, guess it's time to stop eating" - my super unhealthy coping method. Also the only way that's ever worked for me. I can't do moderation, and I haven't been able to turn the food craving part of my brain off so I just eat constantly. I'm disgusting and an embarrassment, and I need to change.

Hell, I'm writing this post from the car in pants that don't close while my fiance does the grocery shopping. If that doesn't scream the need for an intervention, I don't know what does.

"New" Workout Plan

Hello blog-o-verse!

Can you tell I'm not very good at sticking to a plan (i.e., updating this blog regularly)? Could be part of the reason I haven't been super successful in losing weight in the past. I find I get very restless and take on a bajillion projects, and that often ends up in most (or all) of them being neglected! At the moment I've got this blog, I'm working on starting up a YouTube channel (unrelated to this project), planning a little balcony garden, thinking about going back to school, looking for a new job, planning a wedding AND trying to balance my everyday life! I have a real problem with taking on too many tasks, but I'm not satisfied with one or two. :( That's a personal issue to work out, I guess...

BUT in the realm of health and fitness, I have made some strides this week. There were a couple of days where I consciously chose to make a healthier lunch than the one I was initially planning. I have also started a new workout plan that's been circulating around my Facebook friends. It's one of those "30 Day X Challenge"s. Well... I actually took the two most recent plans I've seen and kind of merged them together a bit, to get my own challenge to follow along with. It's definitely not the most balanced workout plan, but I think it will be good in getting me to do something active on a daily basis.

My bastardized hybrid of the two plans... 

I have it taped to my bedroom wall, and as I go, I use some of my (super unused) teacher stickers as reinforcement, haha. So I've got three beautiful silver stars for the first three days. Yay, effort!

It's going to be a busy weekend ahead with work and life, so here's hoping I don't fall off my wagon...

Categories: conscious eating , healthy habits

Starting Up The Engine

I recently made a commitment to do the Couch to 5k program with a friend. That will be interesting, I've never really had an accountability buddy before. I'm hoping it will help us both, and we'll be on our way to being happier, healthier people. In the past couple of weeks though, I've been getting antsy to do some exercise. I almost started without her, but this morning I decided I'd just hit my apartment gym while my laundry was happening. Knocked out a quick treadmill warm-up, and some strength training with the dumbbells (and logged it into Fitocracy). Sexy, healthy body - here I come! 

Right this second, I'm struggling with a food craving, and figured what better way to deal with it than to blog about it! My lovely fiancé and I were preparing dinner, and I got to thinking I could have a snack while it cooked since I was hungry. STOP! Yeah, I'm a little bit peckish but nowhere near full-on hunger. I don't actually need to have a snack, dinner will be ready in an hour. Part of me wants to eat simply because I was thinking about food as it was being prepared, and that's all kinds of messed up. I managed to put a halt on that, and am now sitting here, blogging and chugging away at my water-filled Guzzler. 

A whole slew of healthy decisions today! Way to go, me. :) 

Categories: accountability , c25k , conscious eating , healthy habits